HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I've asked some opinions on what I should write next, and I keep getting the same request. " What's it like being with a woman?" "Have you always been into both men and woman" ect.. Honestly, I don't have a black and white answer for anyone. Vanessa came into my life at a very difficult, confusing time and she was the only person that made me really feel something. She intrigued me. She made me feel vulnerable and comfortable all at the same time. I liked it. I had never been with a woman before and for once in my life I felt off guard. It was like being a virgin again, terrified of anything that could happen. This was a whole new world to me, and I was suddenly an amateur in my own life. In the beginning I know I confused a lot of people, most of which were my family. They had never even heard me talk about a woman in a relationship aspect. Awkward conversations are bound to happen, but fortunately for myself I have an ext...
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Thats the funny thing about pain it fades with each passing day you feel a little lighter And suddenly The flowers are blooming and the worlds... still spinning a little slower, now maybe and suddnely the dreams are of her and her hand winding in between your finger tips and her lips are on your forehead gentle softer, then before and suddenly you realize you're happy and it all came from pain
Hello, me again, long overdue as per usual. I haven't been writing lately, and sadly no better excuse than life has just been crazy busy. Anyways, I just wanted to write a little post re introducing myself with some random stuff. My name is Courtney, and I am 21 years old. I am weirdly obsessed with sunflowers, and the pumpkin patch I love the sound and smell of rain! ( currently sitting on my patio writing this watching the rain hit the cement and I couldn't be more content) I have just recently moved to the Okanagon and I love it! I love old books, well books in general, but old books just have a special place in my heart I am either a hippie with no makeup, a sun kissed face and barefeet on the grass, or I am a city slicker in heels, with lashes to my brows. There is no in between and I like it that way. I have a small, but very close circle of friends who I wouldn't trade for the world. I have a passion for writing, but sadly am the best writer when I ...
You and your wandering hands could never touch my body the way I wanted to be touched Your tongue could never bring out the moans I so desperately craved your lips were never as gentle as they should’ve been as they kissed all the way down my body your fingertips, they became greedy searching inside me for the little girl I no longer was & one day your voice.. it stopped moving mountains & while I still loved you, you were no longer my master and when you figured out I was no longer your puppet you dipped your fingers inside someone else you dipped your fingers inside someone else when your finger still belonged to me
I wanted the sun rise this morning, and I couldn’t help but feel the goose bumps crawl all over my body. Partly because it was easily the most breathtaking view I have ever seen, and partly because I have never felt more alone. It’s funny how after all these months. I still picture these beautiful moments with you in them. However the biggest tragedy is that you’re no longer in existence. You’re becoming a very distant memory. Like you, you have actually become a stranger. Someone who I used to know.
I hope it feels wrong- I hope when your fingers slide inside they reach for forgivness and I hope you come up empty for you, love are searching inside 'someone' who has nothing to offer but someone else's life You, love are reaching inside a thief-- & I hope that when you see yourself staring back through the reflection you see all the tiny names carved along side your lips, your cheeks your eyes liar, cheater, manipulator and worse I hope when you see your untouched hands they are burned from the poison inside her I hope that when you have a quiet moment my silhouette distracts you just long enough for you to forget the monster you've become & love, finally I hope that in your moments of doubt you have no one left to blame but yourself
I don't know why I still write to you, You've found this new little life without me. I wonder if you still think about me, if i ever just cross your mind when you hear an old song. Drive by our favourite spots. I know I don't love you like I used to, but I still miss you like you just left. I find myself forgetting how it ended, and then I catch myself noticing the signs. Did you try to tell me you were unhappy, like when did I stop being enough? When did you stop loving me? I miss everything. I miss our hour long conversations on the way to cannon beach, tofino, or even just on our way home. I miss the comfortable silence we had. I miss our late night 7/11 trips, laying in our undies until we passed out. I miss the way I could catch you staring at me, I miss stealing looks your way. I miss waking up to seeing you on the computer chair, so tired you were so beautiful though. I miss your hands, how they were always so big next to mine and still so soft. I miss your eyes, a...
" & I think the scariest part of healing, is the actual healing. I knew that I needed to get better, but I didn't want the pain to stop (yet). I knew that letting the pain go, would mean letting him go. I knew that I would be letting my whole 'ideal' world go. I knew I would have to start from scratch all over again. I wasn't ready to be ready. I wanted to hold onto the unrealistic false hope, and I needed all the bad nights. I craved the flashbacks, and the blurry vision. I wanted the pain." "-- But, I also knew deep down that I really did deserve better. I didn't deserve to be the fifteen year old girl stolen from her childhood. I didn't deserve my bestfriend doing that, and I sure as hell didn't deserve to give up on future. So eventually, the bags were packed and although my head was a maze of emotions, I ran as far away as I could." "Did it stop hurting?" "... No, and honestly i'm not sure if i...
I am constantly accused of running away from my problems. I can see why, but I just disagree. I'm a strong believer in the fact that you cannot heal in the same environment you got sick in, and that's just it. I don't want to be around the people, or places who have made/helped/encouraged the bad things that happen. I am not running, I am escaping. Escaping from the future I see coming, or the pain I can already feel crushing me. I am a curious soul, and when everything is falling apart my internal instinct is to seek a new adventure. I know for some that seems like the cowardly thing to do, but for me it seems right. I want to spend my days on this earth adventuring and travelling and excelling. I want to feel alive. My new worst fear has become ending up alone, and so I want to meet as many new faces and souls as I can. Our time here is so short. I don't want to waste any of it. I find myself getting so lost running around in my head, listening to all the bad though...
I still think about what you did to me. I won't say it's every night, because time has truly changed that. But I still think about it. I think about how we would laugh so hard we would cry, how he would pick me up from your house, and you would watch us drive away. I think about how he used to roll his eyes at us, when we were cracking jokes at work. How I would tell you everything about us. How much I loved him, our plans about the future. The future I made sure I included you in, every single time. I told you everything jess, and you just soaked it up. You took my words and you made them your notes. I still remember how it felt the night I tried to disappear. I remember how I couldn't breathe, and how I literally felt my stomach and heart shattering. My whole body shook. The pain was unforgettable. It still makes me ill. I think about you showing up to our house, picking him up, and then you both making excuses for why he was home so late. Why I wasn't allowed to co...
how disgusting it makes me feel to know that his mouth was not just with my lips. that his words were not just touching me. his fingertips searching inside not my body the hottest of showers could never wipe me clean he left the scars so deep the bruises so purple the pain so hot. it burns and burns and burns. for months it has been burning I wonder when it will stop for he has left me searching inside all the wrong people looking for answers only he can answer