Courtney Leigh Diaries

how disgusting it makes me feel to know that his mouth was not just with my lips. that his words were not just touching me. his fingertips searching inside not my body the hottest of showers could never wipe me clean he left the scars so deep the bruises so purple the pain so hot. it burns and burns and burns. for months it has been burning I wonder when it will stop for he has left me searching inside all the wrong people looking for answers only he can answer

This is me, The lady behind all the letters to him, to her. This is me behind all the encouraging posts, and all the messy rants. This is me when I'm high on life, with my best friend laughing at whatever she said. I'm happy to know that after everything, I'm still able to laugh so hard I cry. I live my life in extremes. And I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm the girl, who is often too much for people to handle, but I'm also the girl that if she lets you close you never let her go. I'm the girl that will never back down for something she believes in. Even if I'm left standing alone. I'm the girl that walks into a bar and has no fear. The girl who is confident, but often doubts herself. I'm the girl who goes from one extreme to the next. The psycho who will fall for someone way too fast or never fall at all. I'm passionate, and I'm spontaneous. I'm an adventurer who is never fulfilled. I'm the girl who wants to do everything,

All right, I know this is long overdue but the truth is I am not good at writing about the happy part of my life. I usually turn to my writing as an escape so when I am happy I obviously want to stay happy, therefore no blogs. But as requested by my mother and some concerned friends..Welcome to a 'happy' blog ...Via instagram, the vote was 50/50 so I have decided to write about my Costa Rica experience. Five months ago, I called my mum, packed a bag, and jumped on a plane alone to Costa Rica. Some people think it was me running away from a problem, but I know it was me saving my life. Lot's of people have asked if it was scary travelling alone at such a low point in my life, and honestly, the answer is no. Not only did being alone give me a very long time to think about everything, but it also gave me this brilliant clarity. Sure at first waiting in that airport completely alone, with nothing but a broken heart was hard, but honestly, it was empowering too. I

heres the thing darling, Its been months. You still stay awake at night thinking about every god damn what if. Every single, is he ever going to come back, does he care. So here is the bitter bitter pill you need to swallow. No. He is never coming back. The truth of the matter is that, he was over you, long before he left you. You see darling, BOYS, like him will never leave you until they have someone new. They aren't men yet. They do not know how to survive without the help. So please love, stop. Stop asking yourself if he cares, because he doesn't. Stop asking if he is coming back, because he isn't. Stop writing him letters, because he will not read them. He has used you for all that he could, and now he is sucking someone else's life.  Stop wondering if it was real, because maybe, for a very short period it was. But it was never right. You were not seen as a person, you were seen as a toy, and honey, you got played. So please, stop. Stop all this. You need to reme

Oh darling, go grow your garden where they told you that you could not. You were not born to be so sad, so young. You have had a disagreement with life, not a falling out. Go plant your roots so deep they stretch for miles. And make sure whomever they touch, they touch gently. I know not everyone has been kind, but do not let them make you cold. For one day, I promise you, your roots will grow in someone else's garden. They will plant Daisy's around you, trim the hedges to let the light shine on you. They will help you grow. And then one day you will wake to the sun shining, and your gardens will have grown together. I promise not everyone leaves. I promise, someone will stay.

I haven't wrote in awhile. I guess life just got busy again, and I didn't feel the need for an escape. It's like that here, life moves so fast for such a small town. Sometimes it's honestly hard to keep up. Its like being on roller coaster for me. Im up so high, before I come back down. And I do come down. Fast. You know that feeling you get? The one when you're dreaming and you fall? The gut wrenching, heart skips a beat kind of feeling? That's what my life fees like lately. Im either the happiest I have ever been, or i'm the loneliest. Everything I do lately seems to be a distraction. Like I am stuck in this void, and I am trying to fill it with anything or anyone who shows interest. Its awful. Its exciting. Its scary. Its new, but it's not good. I've known for awhile that I need to be alone. Completely alone, so I can just focus on myself, and get better. But I don't want to feel it. Its been months, but I just push it aside. I pretend like no