Courtney Leigh Diaries

"Brave girl, it's time to love again " Today would have six years with you, instead it's six months apart from you. And while when I woke my eyes lingered shut for a little longer, with fear of what my fragile heart would feel.  I built up the courage to open my eyes and face this day, and then  it dawned on me that I felt okay.. I felt good. There was no better moment of clarity then this. Today was supposed to be the hardest day, and it turned out to be one of the happiest days of my life. I feel free. I moved into my very own place, with one of my very bestfriends today. I have been glowing with happiness all evening. My head feels more clear today than it has in months. So today has become my freedom day. I finally feel free of you and what you stole from me. What you destroyed. I feel calm, and happy. Four months ago I was in the hospital after I tried to take my own life, and today my life is falling into place. This beautiful, happy, cozy place. It's like

It's crazy how fast your life can change. As all of my readers(?) know this past six months has been the hardest, yet most important months of my life. I went from being on top of the world, my highest high, to the lowest low in my life. I was so lost, I had no idea if I even wanted to be alive. I felt completely destroyed. The day after I tried to end my life, I ended up getting driven to Merritt, to try and pick myself back up. I had no idea that Merritt would be the start to my new life. My very own life. Starting a new life in such a small town was terrifying. I was completely alone, with no one to talk to. All I had was me, and my job. I can honestly say that this place, and my job have truly saved my life in a small way. This job has made me feel so strong and independent again. I got blessed with the most amazing guys  that I work with. Aside from all their flirting and girly jokes they have taught me so much. They remind me that ya I actually can lift that piece of drywall

I wish I could forgive you both. Not even just you, but her too. I think a part of me, deep down wants you to be happy. Not really because I think you deserve it, but because for such a long time I loved you. And somewhere inside me still does. I think a part of me always will. You were my first real love.  I have so much hate left burning inside me, but I feel so pathetic still being so hung up on what you did. How you treated me. It sucks knowing you were moved on before you even left.  It sucks that you moved on with one of my bestfriends. That you couldn't even move on with someone else. Someone I didn't know. You had to break every part of me, and then when there was nothing left you took her too. You both did something so wrong, and still, you are the ones who get to be happy together living our life. Don't you want a different life. Don't you want someone that doesn't have memories of me.

I really want to blog about stuff other than you but fuck you are constantly clouding my fucking mind. Taking up way too much of my space. Taking up precious moments of my life that I should be living free of what you did to me. You have turned me into this victim. I feel like you murdered me. I feel like-- no.  I know that you took something away from me and I am terrified I will never be able to find it again. You took the spark inside me and ignited it so fucking fast I didn't know how to handle it. So I let it burn. I let it burn so fierce I burned bridges after bridges and when there was no bridges left I burned cities. I am walking chaos leaving a mess everywhere I go. And you are to blame. I don't understand why my life is a mess when YOU are the one who did wrong. YOU are the one that took something beautiful and made it ugly. YOU are the one who takes souls for fun. First with her, now with me, next will be the slut but at least she fucking deserves it. I despise you s

I feel you like I feel the evening breeze rustling through my arms, down to my toes cool, but nice. I drag my fingers across your back, your head buried in my shoulder biting down softly. I know we are only here for a little while but I feel close to you somehow. You look like art and I love watching you you give me a feeling  that makes me blush all the things I think about doing with you to you to me you're like a bad addiction something I am not ready to give up your hands are bigger than both mine combined I feel so small beneath you and as you fall asleep I memorize the image  no longer so tough just tired and worn down perfectly still perfectly you

Its like the burning of a cigarette. Silent. Its like accidentally swimming too deep and losing your breath. When you come to the surface, except you're still underwater. That quick moment of panic. The moment that makes your heart skip a beat. It's like that. Suffocating. Isolating. Numbing pain that leaves you empty