Courtney Leigh Diaries

I am constantly accused of running away from my problems. I can see why, but I just disagree. I'm a strong believer in the fact that you cannot heal in the same environment you got sick in, and that's just  it. I don't want to be around the people, or places who have made/helped/encouraged the bad things that happen. I am not running, I am escaping. Escaping from the future I see coming, or the pain I can already feel crushing me. I am a curious soul, and when everything is falling apart my internal instinct is to seek a new adventure. I know for some that seems like the cowardly thing to do, but for me it seems right. I want to spend my days on this earth adventuring and travelling and excelling. I want to feel alive. My new worst fear has become ending up alone, and so I want to meet as many new faces and souls as I can. Our time here is so short. I don't want to waste any of it. I find myself getting so lost running around in my head, listening to all the bad though

I still think about what you did to me. I won't say it's every night, because time has truly changed that. But I still think about it. I think about how we would laugh so hard we would cry, how he would pick me up from your house, and you would watch us drive away. I think about how he used to roll his eyes at us, when we were cracking jokes at work. How I would tell you everything about us. How much I loved him,  our plans about the future. The future I made sure I included you in, every single time. I told you everything jess, and you just soaked it up. You took my words and you made them your notes. I still remember how it felt the night I tried to disappear. I remember how I couldn't breathe, and how I literally felt my stomach and heart shattering. My whole body shook. The pain was unforgettable. It still makes me ill. I think about you showing up to our house, picking him up, and then you both making excuses for why he was home so late. Why I wasn't allowed to co