I haven't wrote in awhile. I guess life just got busy again, and I didn't feel the need for an escape. It's like that here, life moves so fast for such a small town. Sometimes it's honestly hard to keep up. Its like being on roller coaster for me. Im up so high, before I come back down. And I do come down. Fast. You know that feeling you get? The one when you're dreaming and you fall? The gut wrenching, heart skips a beat kind of feeling? That's what my life fees like lately. Im either the happiest I have ever been, or i'm the loneliest. Everything I do lately seems to be a distraction. Like I am stuck in this void, and I am trying to fill it with anything or anyone who shows interest. Its awful. Its exciting. Its scary. Its new, but it's not good. I've known for awhile that I need to be alone. Completely alone, so I can just focus on myself, and get better. But I don't want to feel it. Its been months, but I just push it aside. I pretend like nothing ever happened, I didn't do that, and it never happened to me. I avoid it all, every memory. I fill the void with new mistakes, new choices, new faces. I've made a mess so big, it keeps me awake. It's a constant reminder that I ruin everything that starts to feel good. Feel real. I just can't. Not yet. I don't think I know what real is anymore. I cant tell a liar from an honest person anymore. I can't look into someones eyes, and feel anything past lust. Even when I lie to myself and pretend it's more. It's not. It is simply just a feeling, of being wanted, by people who have no intention of staying. 

All I want is for someone to want to stay.