I haven't had a bad night like this in awhile. I haven't had the tears come up in so long, I almost forgot how to push them back down. I thought that by now I would be completely over it, and you, and us. It's hard to admit not only to myself, but to the people around me that I am not. Most days I do feel better. But tonight, im alone for the first night in a long time. Like alone in a house. I couldn't help but go through some of our photos today. How did we look so happy? I have this dull ache inside me that sometimes still screams for you. You broke my heart into a million little pieces and I am trying so hard to put them all back together. It's a hard thing to do when sometimes I can still picture what you feel like. I wish none of this happened. I wish that it was a normal break up. I wish we didn't hate each other because honestly I know that deep down, I don't hate you. I call your voicemail sometimes, just so I can hear you say your name. The two seconds where I hear your voice makes my insides burn. I feel like I am on fire. It seriously is still hard to breathe when I hear about you. I don't want to hate each other. I want to remember the good things. I want to pretend you didn't do anything bad. I want to pretend it just happened. I want you to be the person I fell in love with years ago. I don't want to feel so empty anymore. I want the pain to stop. I want the numbness to go away. I want to be with him, and not be thinking about you. I want to be touched and not criticize how it doesn't feel quite right. How I don't fit in their arms as well as yours. I remember everything. I remember how you looked when you fell asleep. How you always had one part of you touching me. I remember the sounds you made. I remember the bad stuff too, but on nights like tonight I seem to forget it all. I only remember the person I know--knew. Tonight my heart is aching so bad I cannot catch my breath. Tonight I will hear you say your name on the phone you blocked me on. Tonight, I'll pretend you are the same person I used to know. Because tonight, I just can't hate you.
I want to forgive you. I think it's important. I want to forgive you, because I think I'm ready to forget. And finally forgetting you, and us, will be freeing. I'm scared though. Terrified really, I have spent so long, hating you and crying over you, and feeling so betrayed by you that loneliness has become a familiar friend. It's become the filling to the void that you left me with. I want to forgive you, but how ? I want to taste freedom but how? I want to let you and every single memory with you go, but how? You were my whole life. I grew up literally with you. Seeing you be happy with my (ex)bestfriend should make me want to forget everything. And I do, but I don't. I still have our New York photos, and our couch photos, and our every ducking day photos. You are everywhere. You. Are everywhere. I wish I could be soulless like you. I wish I could go to our old hotels, and restaurants and pretend I don't remember it all. I can't. I watch you buy her the ex
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