I think the best feeling is when you find yourself in the stillness of the morning, with no one around, but you don't feel alone. It's been a really long time since I felt truly whole. Even when I was in my last relationship I never really felt whole. I had this false sense of fullness... but it was wholeness. I couldn't even be alone without having a wash of dark thoughts come running in. I never felt fully satisfied. I was missing something, and that something happened to be me. I have spent the past five months clenching my chest at night and screaming into pillows. I have spent my breaks crying in bathroom stalls. I have sat on restaurant bathrooms clenching my chest in sheer panic. But they are over, and even though I know I have some more bumpy days ahead.. I know they are over faster. Through every bad night, I have been slowly finding myself. I've been finding this girl I used to know so well. I have a million people asking me for this advice of how to get over the break up, to get over the pain.. and the truth is there is NO magic answer. One day you just wake up and it hurts a little less. We all fight the 'what if's' and it's so hard to tell yourself to stop the bad thoughts. But they do stop. Suddenly you have these new people come into your life and everything starts to fade away. The best thing I have ever done was move away. I never wanted to move back to Chilliwack in the first place, and leaving again was the very best thing I have ever done to find myself. I have met some amazing people, and I have found myself again. I'm still learning, but I am getting better at this wholesome thing everyday. I don't feel the need to hide anymore. I feel my cheeks burning from smiling, and I have the tummy ache from laughing again. My life is feeling whole again. I feel whole again. I couldn't be more grateful for life granting me the chance to be free again.
I want to forgive you. I think it's important. I want to forgive you, because I think I'm ready to forget. And finally forgetting you, and us, will be freeing. I'm scared though. Terrified really, I have spent so long, hating you and crying over you, and feeling so betrayed by you that loneliness has become a familiar friend. It's become the filling to the void that you left me with. I want to forgive you, but how ? I want to taste freedom but how? I want to let you and every single memory with you go, but how? You were my whole life. I grew up literally with you. Seeing you be happy with my (ex)bestfriend should make me want to forget everything. And I do, but I don't. I still have our New York photos, and our couch photos, and our every ducking day photos. You are everywhere. You. Are everywhere. I wish I could be soulless like you. I wish I could go to our old hotels, and restaurants and pretend I don't remember it all. I can't. I watch you buy her the ex
Comments
Post a Comment