Dear Jessica,

I'm writing this to you, because I have filled up one to many pages with his name scribbled all across the pages. I'm writing this to you, because even though it takes two to tango, you were the one who hurt me the most. See, I sincerely believe girls should never, ever, mess with another girl's feelings. We both know, I told you everything about how hurt I was. I opened up like a blank canvas to you. I gave you so many opportunities to come clean and tell me. Instead, you let me confide in you. You let me tell you all my secrets. You let me explain in detail how he liked to be touched-- were you writing it all down for yourself? Did you impress him? Did you take all my advice about going slow, was he shocked. Does he know? Does he know all the dirty little secrets we shared? Yours included. All your one night stands.. all your broken hearted bullshit. I'm writing this to you, because as someone who preaches loyalty until they are blue in the face you really fucking fooled me, didn't you jess? You really got me good. You let me believe that you would have my back. Now I know why I 'wasn't allowed' on all the Vancouver 'business' trips. I'm writing this to you so I can now explain in detail what you did to me. So let's get started. You broke me down to my brittle knees. You force fed me every pill I swallowed that night. Every sip of alcohol I chased them with tasted like him, but all the pills tasted like you. When I took the last one, my head was pounding my heart was aching. The floor felt good against my back. When they rushed me to the hospital my panic attacks were so bad I looked at my mum in sheer panic not knowing if I wanted to die, or if I was scared of dying. I honestly did not know. Did you know that when you have a panic attack your hands and feet go numb? Did you know I threw up so much, that I had four IV bags and I still couldn't relax, or give them a pee sample. Did you know that in two weeks I dropped 16 pounds because every time I thought about food I threw up. Did you know I cried myself to sleep screaming so loud into my pillow I saw my neighbours come outside not once, but twice during the night. Did you know that every time I was in the bathtub, I would look at the razor blades and have to think twice. Did you know that I wished for death. Did you know that you were capable of that Jess? Did you? Did you mean to break me? Couldn't you have just chosen someone else? Why him? Why did it have to be my first love? My whole life? Why did it have to be me. I guess better me than some other girl though right? Jess did you know that when someone drives by me in a black VW I get so panicked I have to hold back on throwing up? Did you know that the mere image of you sends a chill so far down my spine I break out in a cold sweat? Did you know I still cry sometimes. Did you know that you, my ex-bestfriend hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before.. Did you know what you did to me? Did you know. Did you even care? Did my feelings ever, ever even cross your mind? I'm guessing they didn't but I hope now, that one day, when he cheats on you, you will think of how badly I felt. Oh, but I forgive you.. In case you were wondering.