Courtney Leigh Diaries

I love the way you pulled my hair hard, but soft all at the same time I wonder if my name slips from your lips when you yell at her knowing that mine is the sweetest taste  in your mouth while I know hers is the bitter regret. my tiny body fit so well beneath you while hers buries you Do you wake in a cold sweat wondering who lays beside you this unfamiliar, lump beside you. not the soft fragile me that spent 1825 nights next to you are her lips as soft as mine as they kiss you in all the wrong places?

I've said goodbye so many times it seems as though now it means hello

And like the ocean She was unpredictable She flowed without hesitation Gets caught up in rip tides Dragging her back and forth Through right and wrong And like the ocean She was a whirl wind of storms Calm, yet dangerous Still, yet constantly moving She could be as bright as the sun Or as dark as the moon And just like the ocean, She was unforgiving She held no grudges Gives no mercy Fearful at best Beautiful up close And just like ocean She has untold mysteries And just like the ocean, So full of beauty She felt unexplored Completely alone 

Another open letter, to you. Im so disappointed in myself. As I lay here, again, crying over another sad song that reminds me of you. I can literally feel my heart breaking all over again. This burning is unreal. It shatters me to my very core. You said, always and forever. Did you ever mean it? Did you mean anything you promised? I look for you everywhere I go. In ever guy I'm with. I give myself away so quick, too quick. Im just looking for someone to want to hold me. For someone to offer me any sort of escape from you. I'm falling, and you can't break my fall. I am so hurt still. I am so disappointed in myself. Why do I still care, after everything you did to me. You chose to leave your life, for her. You left me a mess on the floor, and I still can barley stand. This pain inside of me in suffocating me. It is so hard to breathe. The tears are so hot they burn my cheeks. I go through so many guys, I can't even keep up. I'm looking for you. I am looking for a f...

This is me. Trying to find the right words to describe yourself is sometimes not an easy task. Though lately I feel like I've really been finding myself, and I'm just trying to fit all my pieces back together. So like usual I'll take to writing them down. So, let me formally introduce myself. I like to think of myself as curious. I have an intense passion for adventure and knowing a little about a lot. Nothing makes me happier than being beside the ocean with a coffee in my hand. I'm extremely passionate. This is both my biggest asset and my most dreaded flaw. I take everything I do seriously, and tend to feel feelings with intense emotion. This gets me into more trouble than I would like to admit. I have a heart that tends to be to big for most, but I have a temper that tends to burn bridges. There is no medium with me. I'm all or nothing. A lot of people cannot handle this about me. But the few that do, know that they have he most loyal loving soul in their corn...

To my beautiful sister on her 23rd birthday, There will never be enough words to describe how thankful I am to have you as my big sister. Throughout the years you have been my biggest supporter, my protector and my very bestfriend. There isn't anything in this world I value more than our relationship. I know that no matter what life throws at me I can always come to you for support and advice. You have taken all of my challenges on, and have helped me face every hardship I go through. You have literally saved my life too many times to count. Whether it's protecting me from the wrath of Mum, or agreeing with me over how stupid my ex is, you are always there. I truly hope you know I am your biggest fan, and I will be there for you no matter what. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. There is nothing you could say to me that would make me think different or judge you. I will burry bodies for you. ( and you know it ) I love you so much lexie, and I cannot wait for ...

" How do you let go?" I have been getting so many private messages from all these wonderful people asking me how I have been letting go. How I have been so positive and moving forward. The truth is, I have no magic answers, I have nothing special to say. The only thing I can honestly think of is to just give yourself time. There is no amount of time that is like BAM you're over it. I'm sorry but there isn't. Some people need a year some people need two days and a bottle of tequila. No, but in all seriousness, there is no time limit. You take however long you need. Just do not focus on the bad stuff all day. Everyday try to focus less on the negative shit and more on the good stuff. I got a really good book, a journal, and a whole lot of wine and tissues and I just cried until I had no more tears, wrote until my fingers cramped and read my book to take my mind away. You need to find your escape. Your escape from- and this is important- the bad stuff. Occupy your...

This is an open letter to all you broken souls out there. I want you to know from someone who has been there that you are sincerely going to get through this. You're going to wake up one morning and not feel the burning in your chest, or the knots in your tummy. Trust me. I know you are reading this, and cringing because you are so unbelievably sick of hearing it. I know you don't believe me. I know you feel so alone, even surrounded by a million people. I know. I get it. I am by no means saying that this day will be tomorrow, this day may not be for a year.. but my darlings, this. day. will. come. So please, don't give up. I wanted to give up so bad--so bad that I honestly tried. I tried, and I failed. I was so broken when I failed that I cursed my guardian angel for saving me. I did. I was angry. But now, only a mere 2 months later. I am thrilled. I am so thankful that I got to get my chance to shine again. I am so happy. I could never thank my family and friends enoug...

I know it's getting old. I know that everyone is probably so over reading about the same thing over and over again. I just don't know what else to write about. Im happier, I actually am doing a lot better than I ever really have honestly. But still. I still hurt so bad sometimes I feel like I cant breathe. Sometimes I still catch myself daydreaming about all the things you said to me. All the lies that totally make sense now. All your excuses for staying out late, or for all your 'business meetings' that I was NOT allowed on. You see, by now, I should be long over this. Who cares I got cheated on. Im not the first, I will certainly not be the last. Yet, to me, it's not even that you slept with her. It's that you could actually do that to me.  You see, we spent five years being absolutely everything to each other. I was your bestfriend, your biggest supporter, your lover, and your most loyal side kick. You were also my bestfriend, my lover, and my supporter. So h...

Please stop, I cant take these images anymore please stop I cant handle the memories please stop I feel it burning to my core please stop I feel my grip slipping even more please stop I can't feel anything please stop I don't wan't to hear her name please stop I wish I could forget please stop I cant bear these thoughts please stop the replays never end please stop my heart can't do this anymore.

You make me so happy.  You are literally like sunshine to me and you don't even try. I spend such little time with you, and still whenever you're around I feel a little less bad. I feel good.  Not even in a I want to be with you way, I just want to be around you. I genuinely enjoy your company. You make me feel like me, without even trying. You seriously radiate kindness to everyone. You make me want to swear less, and laugh more. You make me want to work harder. You even make getting up at 5 not so bad, because I know you might be there. It's nice to have someone like you in my life. I missed having someone to make me smile. Maybe it's because you don't look at me like a pretty girl in construction, you look at me like a person. You always seem like you're interested in what I have to say. I love how you are so whole heartedly you, caring what no one thinks. Not that anyone could ever think anything bad of you. You're amazing, I'm so happy you came into...

I haven't had a bad night like this in awhile. I haven't had the tears come up in so long, I almost forgot how to push them back down. I thought that by now I would be completely over it, and you, and us. It's hard to admit not only to myself, but to the people around me that I am not. Most days I do feel better. But tonight, im alone for the first night in a long time. Like alone in a house. I couldn't help but go through some of our photos today. How did we look so happy? I have this dull ache inside me that sometimes still screams for you. You broke my heart into a million little pieces and I am trying so hard to put them all back together. It's a hard thing to do when sometimes I can still picture what you feel like. I wish none of this happened. I wish that it was a normal break up. I wish we didn't hate each other because honestly I know that deep down, I don't hate you. I call your voicemail sometimes, just so I can hear you say your name. The two sec...

he slides his fingers inside me searching for anything sweet he always comes up empty handed confused I can tell but I have nothing left I have been turned empty and cold left with nothing but bitterness from the shallow depths of you His lips touch my neck I feel him breathe my name I mouth yours on repeat old habits  never die His hands slide down my back sending shivers to my toes not the kind that feel good the kind that leave you lonely you have stolen my ability to feel anything, other than awful.

Dear you I guess its your turn, I guess this is your open letter. Is it wrong to miss the monsters? The hardest part about moving on is forgetting. Forgetting what it felt like to touch. Forgetting what your voice sounded like in the morning. Forgetting what it felt like to feel your lips on my forehead when I fell asleep. I'm forgetting. I have spent so much time filling the void you left, that I grew numb. I found myself going longer without you popping into my head. I went longer without the dull ache in my heart. But I started forgetting. Forgetting you. I think what surprises me the most is the memories that do come back once in awhile. Its not the big stuff. Its the little moments we shared. The comfortable silence on our drives to Tofino, and Oregon. It was the late night munchies, laughing until our tummies hurt. Its the stolen kisses, and the little fights that turned into the best nights. It's the ass grabbing, JJ bean adventures. I remember the small stuff. So tell...

I want to forgive you. I think it's important. I want to forgive you, because I think I'm ready to forget. And finally forgetting you, and us, will be freeing. I'm scared though. Terrified really, I have spent so long, hating you and crying over you, and feeling so betrayed by you that loneliness has become a familiar friend. It's become the filling to the void that you left me with. I want to forgive you, but how ? I want to taste freedom but how? I want to let you and every single memory with you go, but how? You were my whole life. I grew up literally with you. Seeing you be happy with my (ex)bestfriend should make me want to forget everything. And I do, but I don't. I still have our New York photos, and our couch photos, and our every ducking day photos. You are everywhere. You. Are everywhere. I wish I could be soulless like you. I wish I could go to our old hotels, and restaurants and pretend I don't remember it all. I can't. I watch you buy her the ex...

Dear Andrew You say that I have painted a false image of you. That I alone, have some how created this persona of you. It's funny how even after all this time you still have no idea how to accept responsibility for your own actions. You are upset that people are reading what I write, and believing me. But I, have uttered no lies. You took a little girls heart at the ripe age of 15 and moulded her into this perfect fit for you. Then, when she was growing into her own woman, finding her self again, you chose to destroy her progress. You, my old love, have dug this hole completely and utterly alone. So maybe this is your karma. I find complete peace when I write and although I am happy without you, true great writing comes from pain and destruction. So I'm sorry if YOUR TRUTH, offends you. You are constantly saying that you're a good person. I used to believe this too darling. I used to think you were the sunniest of days. But then I found a pair of glasses. I'm not sayi...

Dear my two favourite stalkers, it's crazy how when you deleted and blocked two people from your life they STILL find ways to creep everything you do. So thanks for being my number one fans and letting me know my  blogs are worth reading. Stay tuned :)