I am constantly accused of running away from my problems. I can see why, but I just disagree. I'm a strong believer in the fact that you cannot heal in the same environment you got sick in, and that's just it. I don't want to be around the people, or places who have made/helped/encouraged the bad things that happen. I am not running, I am escaping. Escaping from the future I see coming, or the pain I can already feel crushing me. I am a curious soul, and when everything is falling apart my internal instinct is to seek a new adventure. I know for some that seems like the cowardly thing to do, but for me it seems right. I want to spend my days on this earth adventuring and travelling and excelling. I want to feel alive. My new worst fear has become ending up alone, and so I want to meet as many new faces and souls as I can. Our time here is so short. I don't want to waste any of it. I find myself getting so lost running around in my head, listening to all the bad though...
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I still think about what you did to me. I won't say it's every night, because time has truly changed that. But I still think about it. I think about how we would laugh so hard we would cry, how he would pick me up from your house, and you would watch us drive away. I think about how he used to roll his eyes at us, when we were cracking jokes at work. How I would tell you everything about us. How much I loved him, our plans about the future. The future I made sure I included you in, every single time. I told you everything jess, and you just soaked it up. You took my words and you made them your notes. I still remember how it felt the night I tried to disappear. I remember how I couldn't breathe, and how I literally felt my stomach and heart shattering. My whole body shook. The pain was unforgettable. It still makes me ill. I think about you showing up to our house, picking him up, and then you both making excuses for why he was home so late. Why I wasn't allowed to co...
how disgusting it makes me feel to know that his mouth was not just with my lips. that his words were not just touching me. his fingertips searching inside not my body the hottest of showers could never wipe me clean he left the scars so deep the bruises so purple the pain so hot. it burns and burns and burns. for months it has been burning I wonder when it will stop for he has left me searching inside all the wrong people looking for answers only he can answer
This is me, The lady behind all the letters to him, to her. This is me behind all the encouraging posts, and all the messy rants. This is me when I'm high on life, with my best friend laughing at whatever she said. I'm happy to know that after everything, I'm still able to laugh so hard I cry. I live my life in extremes. And I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm the girl, who is often too much for people to handle, but I'm also the girl that if she lets you close you never let her go. I'm the girl that will never back down for something she believes in. Even if I'm left standing alone. I'm the girl that walks into a bar and has no fear. The girl who is confident, but often doubts herself. I'm the girl who goes from one extreme to the next. The psycho who will fall for someone way too fast or never fall at all. I'm passionate, and I'm spontaneous. I'm an adventurer who is never fulfilled. I'm the girl who wants to do everything,...
All right, I know this is long overdue but the truth is I am not good at writing about the happy part of my life. I usually turn to my writing as an escape so when I am happy I obviously want to stay happy, therefore no blogs. But as requested by my mother and some concerned friends..Welcome to a 'happy' blog ...Via instagram, the vote was 50/50 so I have decided to write about my Costa Rica experience. Five months ago, I called my mum, packed a bag, and jumped on a plane alone to Costa Rica. Some people think it was me running away from a problem, but I know it was me saving my life. Lot's of people have asked if it was scary travelling alone at such a low point in my life, and honestly, the answer is no. Not only did being alone give me a very long time to think about everything, but it also gave me this brilliant clarity. Sure at first waiting in that airport completely alone, with nothing but a broken heart was hard, but honestly, it was empowering too. I ...
heres the thing darling, Its been months. You still stay awake at night thinking about every god damn what if. Every single, is he ever going to come back, does he care. So here is the bitter bitter pill you need to swallow. No. He is never coming back. The truth of the matter is that, he was over you, long before he left you. You see darling, BOYS, like him will never leave you until they have someone new. They aren't men yet. They do not know how to survive without the help. So please love, stop. Stop asking yourself if he cares, because he doesn't. Stop asking if he is coming back, because he isn't. Stop writing him letters, because he will not read them. He has used you for all that he could, and now he is sucking someone else's life. Stop wondering if it was real, because maybe, for a very short period it was. But it was never right. You were not seen as a person, you were seen as a toy, and honey, you got played. So please, stop. Stop all this. You need to reme...
Oh darling, go grow your garden where they told you that you could not. You were not born to be so sad, so young. You have had a disagreement with life, not a falling out. Go plant your roots so deep they stretch for miles. And make sure whomever they touch, they touch gently. I know not everyone has been kind, but do not let them make you cold. For one day, I promise you, your roots will grow in someone else's garden. They will plant Daisy's around you, trim the hedges to let the light shine on you. They will help you grow. And then one day you will wake to the sun shining, and your gardens will have grown together. I promise not everyone leaves. I promise, someone will stay.